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Real “Personal ads” in the Dublin News

Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o’clock in the morning.

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancГ©e, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21-year-old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.

Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

Limerick man, 26, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 24 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

A lady approaches her priest and says, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquires.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’”

“That’s terrible,” the priest exclaims, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock some time ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.

5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

6. Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

7. Laughing helps. It’s like jogging on the inside.

8. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

9. If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.

10. You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, “How long before I
can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2
hours.”

The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door
and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.”

The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and
asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and half.”

The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, “Hey, Bill, do me
a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long
he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.”

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, “So where does that guy go when he leaves?”

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, “Your house.”

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?” The boy admitted that this was the case.

“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you.”

You’ve Been in Corporate America Too Long When…

1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant’s core competencies are.

2. You decide to re-organize your family into a “team-based organization.”

3. You refer to dating as test marketing.

4. You can spell “paradigm.”

5. You actually know what a paradigm is.

6. You understand your airline’s fare structure.

7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.

8. Your Valentine’s Day cards have bullet points.

9. You think that it’s actually efficient to write a ten page presentation with six other people you don’t know.

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A very confident James Bond walks into the English bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No,” he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

Bond explains, ” It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties…”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I’m wearing panties!”

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, “Bloody thing’s an hour fast.”

A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So what happened that’s so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that’s not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

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After the annual office party blow-out, Colin woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.

“You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management and insulted the Regional Director General to his face.”

“He’s an a**hole. I should have pissed on him.”

“You did,” Louise informed him. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” yelled Colin.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”